This question came up when I was reading one of J.K’s talks. While J.K has asked not to take his words as authority and to find out for us, I can’t help be drawn to his talks. Perhaps not necessarily his intentions but he is a thinker that really makes you think.

What is sacred in reality/life? How do I who is lost go about finding it out? How do I who has a mental illness, and feel numb most of the time manage my emotions? There is anhedonia, apathy and no self-care for myself and my purpose. I don’t have a genuine sense of purpose.

What life was before the illness can never be gotten back. I have faced up to this reality. I understand I can’t go back to those happy times, or what I believed were happy times. I can’t bring back a moment that is so sacred that has passed. I remember it for its meaning and the feeling it gives even to this day because it meant something valuable.

But I can never recreate that moment again. It’s passed and dead. I must live my life in the current moment and experience my current life with my illness. If I keep wanting pleasure from the past, I will never be fulfilled again. I recognize I have a choice. The present moment is difficult to accept, but I must accept it. Acceptance is the first step to change. I am always thinking of what I can do to escape the present moment of discomfort and difficult emotions. I learned that distracting oneself is a good way to escape. Something, however small, I invest my whole being into it. For me it is writing, no matter how nonsensical it might sound. I have tried everything from musical instruments, insta feed browsing, drawing, painting, singing, various spiritual classes and retreats but nothing really helped me find myself again. During all these endeavors the only thing that stuck is writing about my pain. Of course, writing about pain might seem self-conceited or self-focused but I found relief through writing.

I have come to see humans as entities – somewhat in contradiction with ourselves. We want truth but we lie, we want freedom but cling to comfort or control etc. J.K talks about this and says thought is always stuck in the past. If you give attention, complete awareness of the thoughts that run through our minds by recognizing when the same thought is being repeated, same story is being told, it makes us aware. Completely see, look, observe, your thoughts. Believing everything the mind says it is the biggest falsehood. Truth can come about only when you realize that you are at the whims of your thoughts and only when silence can penetrate the mind chattering away can you gain insight/clarity. Recognizing how your mind works is awareness and perhaps it will open the door to find what is sacred for me.

I have observed my patterns of thought. I have observed my mind chattering away how this is bad, this is wrong, I can’t do anything properly. It affects my mood and self-confidence. I observed when I smell something sweet, it will tell me a story of a time when in the past, I smelt something just as sweet. Always comparing it with a reference in my memory. All my senses send signals to the mind and interpret it with an image from the past. How can a mind that keeps bringing up the dead past possibly open new doors for me? For the things I am unsure of/something new, fear grips me, be careful, remember not to make the same mistake as last time, ok?  Always a reference of an image in the past. Past is dead, mind is not allowing me to experience the current Now as is. I have seen this truth. Awareness has helped me identify my patterns, my thought loops, my complete worst side of myself. But I have yet to find release from these patterns. This recognition and awareness brought me to a standstill. How can I escape thought loops? Or is that the incorrect question and trying to escape them/find a solution isn’t the way. But simply observing my reaction to them is the key and will that observance lead to greater insight?

I have yet to have it – this insight.

Before I can question what is sacred to me, do I need to solve this question of looping? Do I need to end thought in terms of memory and rumination? In terms of time? Not in obtaining or accumulating sort of way, but truly life purpose, sacred way. My search continues…