Every day after having worked like a machine on my job that I sometimes enjoy and sometimes don’t, I find myself feeling empty, deflated and wondering what comes next. What to do next?

There are so many activities that I can take up and so many, I have invested my time in before my illness, but I always have a gap. Gap between what I should be doing and what I am currently doing. Gap, that gives rise to so many feelings such as anger, frustration, regret I could be leading a different life etc.

Then there is sense of control of the situation that I feel I must always possess. If I am not in control of the situation, I leave it up to uncertainty and chance. Uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. The word surrender I have seen people use. Surrender to the present moment and let it sink in. Let it not be in any other way than it is. How can I do that? How do I let go of the control and let it be like when I fall asleep. My body surrenders to the Universe at large with an inclination that I will wake up again tomorrow.

There was a TV show back in the 2000’s called Smallville. There was a scene where Lois and Clarke say the word “Feelings” in a sarcastic way so that they don’t have to address the elephant in the room.  Do I refuse to see these feelings head on? Like surrender, does it mean acknowledging my feelings of discomfort, doubt and procrastination? I know I am feeling a certain way, but I don’t want to feel that way, so mind wants to escape that feeling but won’t do any hobby to change that feeling – meaning, I am causing my own suffering.

I have observed, feelings are like clouds, some are light and some that cloud your inner sun for a while, but then some are like a long stretch of rain clouds that cover up my inner sun long enough to make it feel like that I am like crying clouds. The inner sun gone as if it never existed. That’s my best way to describe depression. Long stretch of rainy days with no sun in sight that it makes it your new normal. The hope the rain will lift is gone.

But I endure. Does it make me a strong person to keep going even when life feels heavy, feelings that won’t lift to experience the sun and its warmth again? No, though it feels pessimistic to think this way, I have hope. Hope – eventually my inner sun will shine again. For me at least the day is not all bad even on rainy days, I do feel happy for some moments of the day like when I play with my dog or when I listen to music etc. Is this gratitude? Noticing the short burst of happiness in the days? Appreciating them more and maybe intentionally clearing up the skies to see my own inner sun again. 😊