I sat in meditation on Monday and noticed that I am always living from the outside in. Meaning, I am always focused on the outside world or environment. My thoughts, feelings, and emotions are outwardly directed. Maybe because I need to finish a task, and that causes anxiety in me. Maybe I have thoughts of money running out and fear starts to build up. Maybe I wish I were more present with my family, as opposed to staying inside my own head in solitude.

All these are thoughts that want you to be a better person in the outside world. But as I sat and noticed, the thoughts came and passed — and the one witnessing or observing these thoughts was neutral. Nothing affected it. When you have an epiphany or insight like this, you will see the world slightly differently.

Instead of always reacting to your thoughts or generating anxiety within yourself, you recognize that this is the dance of nature — or Prakriti, as described in Samkhya philosophy. You notice loops. You notice the change in your emotions when a particular thought arises. You see things clearly.

In Samkhya philosophy, there is the idea that within every person there is nature — Prakriti — and witness consciousness — the Purusha. Prakriti includes the mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and the changes in emotions. Purusha is the formless observer or witness that is silent and unaffected by the dance of Prakriti.

While sitting, I identified a thought pattern — a loop — that keeps repeating for me. The dance of Prakriti in full motion. I have a short attention span. I tend to like something, find interest in it quickly, and invest time and money in it. Then I hit what people might call “the wall” — the point where the ideas run out. This is when my interest in the activity starts waning. Then I pick up another activity, another source of temporary enjoyment. The loop continues. I never develop the consistency or grit to follow a single path. I never choose one interest and work toward it over time.

I notice now that this is my thought pattern — and going against it is harder than it sounds. So can I simply notice it, without trying to change it to meet society’s expectations? Or can I wait until I arrive at a conclusion that satisfies me, and me alone?

That is where I am now. I need not change for the outside world when that is diametrically opposed to my inner nature. This inner nature is a dance of change. A loop.

An idea just arose: satisfaction cannot be derived when change is constant. And the frustration of trying to define yourself — either by your own Prakriti or by society’s standards — is a foolish notion.

I am more at peace today. I have accepted myself as I am — all the loops, all the thought patterns, and the silent observer that remains untouched by these changes.

And then, to this peace, a thought arose: Krishnamurti said the observer is the observed. My mind concluded — if that is true, then Prakriti is Purusha. But these two frameworks hold different perspectives. And I noticed the frustration in myself: I was doubting K’s philosophy, a philosophy I deeply love. On and on the dance goes — thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I may arrive at the same perspective as K one day, when I see it for myself. But that day is not today.