Tag: life
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Have I seen it?
I gave myself a name,I gathered all my days,Memories became my shelter,And I called that shelter me. I held on to experience,To everything I’d known,Thought kept building little housesSo it wouldn’t stand alone. [Pre-Chorus] Always moving, always seeking,Something certain, something still.But can thought ever find securityIn the stories that it builds? [Chorus] Have I seen…
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Oh little joy of me
Have you felt sorry for yourself all this time?Are you seeing the fog lift from the sky?Can you see the bright smile on my face? It says— I am grateful.I am grateful.I am grateful for your return. You,who have been a part of me for thirty years,have finally come back to me. Oh, warmth of…
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I Feel Frustrated Because I Am Dissatisfied
“I’m frustrated,” I announced. Three men looked at me. This was already becoming uncomfortable. The Buddha sat quietly. Patanjali looked as though he had been expecting this problem for approximately two thousand years. Krishnamurti looked at me with the expression of someone who was about to question the question. “I’m dissatisfied because I’m not doing…
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Defect/Bug
Being a QA wiz with over 20 years of experience, I’ve started to see how defects and bugs show up in real life. I am trying to write about defects, but the only thing I can think about is how I don’t know the difference between a defect and a bug. Should I look it…
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Imagination
Ten years — 22.2% of my life of forty-five years — was spent trying to figure my life out after the first time I had psychosis. These ten years have been grueling. Nothing seemed to go well, at least according to my mind. Even though I know there were many things that went well, many…
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The Black Cat on the Lotus Leaf
On restlessness, and what happens when you stop fighting it. — Some mornings begin in the loop. You know the one. You wake up, the mind is already running, and before you’ve had a chance to breathe, you’re watching yourself watch yourself — aware of the restlessness, aware of the awareness, going in circles. This…
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Space.
On emptiness, devotion, and what the 40s are quietly teaching me. I used to show up every single week for Naruto. Not casually. Not when I felt like it. Every week, without being asked, without needing a reminder. I hated it at first — the main character seemed lame, the art underwhelming compared to the…
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Three Kinds of Action
A field report from someone who finds herself doing things. This afternoon, without deliberating too long, I picked up my ukulele and played. No plan. No mood board. No productivity timer. The mind wanted to play, the hands followed, and that was that. Afterwards, I thought: why can’t it always be like this? And then…
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Perfection
On a bright Saturday morning in May, I wanted to write a short story about a cat and a duck. A quiet, odd combination indeed, but it just so happens to be an image from a jazz music video I was listening to that morning. I want to write about this scene on my screen…
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The Savior Somewhere Else
On ashrams, fresh experiences, and the loop that follows you wherever you go. I am still looking for my savior somewhere else. Lately it takes the shape of an ashram. I imagine going there and learning the meditation Shiva is said to have taught — gaining existential awareness, the kind experienced directly rather than through…
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Loops/Circles
I sat in meditation on Monday and noticed that I am always living from the outside in. Meaning, I am always focused on the outside world or environment. My thoughts, feelings, and emotions are outwardly directed. Maybe because I need to finish a task, and that causes anxiety in me. Maybe I have thoughts of…
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The Body Knew First
I’ve spent most of my life living in my head. Thinking, analyzing, observing, inferring. I’ve read Krishnamurti. I’ve sat in meditation. I’ve mapped out how the mind filters reality — how experience becomes observation becomes memory becomes inference. I’ve written about it, spoken about it, circled it from every cerebral angle I could find. And…
